Sorry!

Oops, I temporarily fell off the face of the planet.

I'm back!

Here's what's shakin'.

I'm meeting regularly with the nutritionist at school, which is good. She is actually quite helpful and has me on a reasonable food plan. I must be succeeding with it because I've lost 17 lbs so far. I'm eating tons of fruits and vegetables and am working on portion control. I was really hungry for the first week or so. Food consumed my EVERY thought, which scared the crap out of me. I couldn't wait until my next meal. But now I'm doin' just fine. It's all good. I'm abstaining from all of the crap that used to plague my life...the cookies and brownies and chips and crap. And "they're" right. Once you stop eating all of that, you just don't crave it anymore. That happened when I cut soda out of my life when I was 17...so I'm not surprised. Again, it's all good.

Life is hectic right now, but everything seems to be falling into place at the same time. Graduation is not far off...and I'm now employed! As a social worker! Part-time starting Monday (eeek!) and then full-time starting after graduation. So yay me! This is just wonderful because I already feel less destitute. But it means that weight loss surgery may have to wait about a year. Or possibly 6 months. I'm not giving up hope, though. I'm going to continue with my food plan, continue working on shit in therapy, and continue to do my research. With my new job's health insurance...who knows...maybe the surgery will be covered. All in due time.

A gym has opened up down the street that costs $20 a month. Totally in my budget. I've thought about it and I absolutely do not want to work out at the JCC. Too many people I know. Too many opportunities for me to (eventually) run into my clients or my clients' families. No thanks. I'd rather join the podunk little gym down the street. The classes are free!

So, yeah, I'm just truckin. Once things settle down (right now I have 3 jobs, 4 classes, and an internship), I'm going to focus on the exercising. I just want to go to my little job every day, come home to my little apartment, go to my little gym, play with my little cat, and live a simple existence. Not too much to ask for, I don't think.

Here's the catch: I've continued with the OA...but I'm starting to think that I'm quite possibly not an overeater. I do stress eat. And eat my emotions. But I don't think I fit the classic profile of an OA member. I mean, I've been hearing stories of people eating food out of the trash and sitting on the floor of the kitchen with the entire contents of their fridge spread out all around them. That's not me. I don't have the cookies and other crap around the house anymore...and I'm too fucking lazy to go out and buy them...so that means I'm not bingeing. I also think the fact that those crazy, out of control emotions are just not there anymore. Or, they're still there, but I'm learning how to handle them appropriately, thanks to my therapist. So, yeah.

I'm feeling really positive right now. I'm just gonna keep on trucking.

Oh, and I flew Delta the other day and the seatbelt fit around me. Praise allah.

Peace and love,

H

Some reading and writing

So I'm back on track with my sponsor...
And she's been on me about reading and writing and doing some reflecting.
So since I've done just that, I thought I'd share...

Step 1 of OA says that we admit we are powerless over food and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Well, I find this troubling because in social work, we're taught to see things from a strengths perspective.

So, what does it mean exactly to be powerless?
Can we be powerless and empowered at the same time?
I may be powerless over my eating, but I have to power to do something about it...
...I have the power to reach out for help
...I have the power to pick up the phone and call my sponsor
...I have the power to talk to a friend
...I have the power to attend meetings
...I have the power to read, write, and reflect
...I have the power to do service

I AM powerless over food.
My eating is out of control.
Food clouds my (almost) every thought.
But...
I feel empowered to do smething about it.

-H

caught in the middle.

The past few days have been pretty rough. I'm realizing that I'm not strong enough to do this on my own...but I also feel like my support system is rather thin these days. My family (immediate and extended) has been truly wonderful...but I need more.

Let's start with Thursday.

I made the rash decision to reach out to an old friend. For whatever reason, I thought that if anyone could love me and support me and believe in me unconditionally, it would be her. I guess I was wrong. It seems that too much time has passed and too many hurt feelings remain. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call her and perhaps I wasn't prepared enough, because the conversation was a disaster. The sound I'm making right now is akin to a bomb falling and crashing into the ground. Not sure how I would type that sound exactly, but that's certainly what happened. Seems I caught her at a bad time, she couldn't (or didn't want to talk) and she promised to call me on Friday. Well, it's Sunday and I'm still waiting. I feel foolish for believing in her...and even more foolish for believing that anyone at all would give a flying fuck about me and my "eating disorder." Shudder.

The rest of the weekend was not any better. I haven't been able to make contact with my sponsor since Thursday. It has been an awkward week with her. She obviously doesn't like me and I don't like her. So it's just...painful. Part of the reason for our lack of communication is that my schedule was seriously screwed up this weekend having my folks in town and my sister's engagement party yesterday...and part because I forgot to call her. And today I wasn't able to make it to the OA meeting...so I just feel a bit out of control and helpless.

The party last night was wonderful...but I had a hard time controlling my eating. The food was delicious and right in front of me. So I ate it. Once I had about 3-4 glasses of wine in me, it was all over. I could no longer control my eating. Because that's what you do when you drink...you snack on crap. I know that the logical answer would be....abstain from drinking and then you won't be tempted to eat while intoxicated. But I DON'T have a problem with alcohol...my problem is with eating. So I don't know what to do about that. I need to get back on track with my sponsor by calling her tonight. I need to try to find another OA meeting to go to this week. I need to find a sponsor that doesn't hate me and that I don't hate just as much, if not more.

The good news is that my dad and stepmom are being very supportive right now. They've offered to help me figure some things out, including additional therapy. So the psychologist that a friend recommended to me that specializes in both group therapy and individual sessions for compulsive overeaters may actually be an option. I don't want to have to leave my current therapist...or transition out slowly. She's the only constant I seem to have in my life right now and I'm not strong enough to abandon that altogether. They've also offered to help me procure some workout items. I've hinted strongly that I want a Wii Fit. I think they're thinking more along the lines of a 10 speed bicycle or some free weights or something...but we'll see.

My dad even told me today that he's proud of me. That by itself makes all of this worth it...

-H

well...

I met with Dr. O at health services yesterday. The short version is that she is completely sympathetic to my situation, supportive of the surgery, and wants to put me in touch with her friend Lisa that had the Lap-Band and is just doing "fantastically." But she says that Aetna absolutely won't cover the procedure, whether it's medically necessary or not. She's going to put me in touch with the Aetna rep for the school, just so that I can verify this. But as far as Dr. O's concerned, there is no appeal process, etc. It's just not covered. She thinks it may be possible for it to be "run" through the insurance anyway, which could knock off a couple thousand dollars. She'll keep me updated. Additionally, Dr. O says that sometimes there are surgeons who perform the surgery at the medical school as research and sometimes they're looking for "subjects." Dr. O is going to email into her network about this and see what can be done. In the meantime, I'm just supposed to wait and hear from her. So I guess not all is lost. Still a bit demoralizing, though.

In other news, I called my reluctant temporary sponsor yesterday at our designated time and ::shock:: she didn't pick up. Yeah, I'm not surprised. As if her reluctance to be my sponsor wasn't bad enough - she actually had the gall to blow me off! I feel rejected and deflected and generally crappy about it. I'm so horrible/unwanted/unloveable that even my pathetic OA sponsor wants nothing to do with me. I really AM a loser! Hahahahaha. Maniacal laughter. Hahahaha.

-H

Super Quick Update

I'm still alive and kickin'.
Felt the need to reassure you all that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet - I'm just a grad student, with 2 jobs, an internship, and getting ready to graduate.

However, here's what's new:

1. Finally was able to make an appointment with the nutritionist on Feb. 23rd. That was the earliest they could get me in.

2. I had an appointment schedule with a doc at health services for last Friday, but the doctor had to cancel, so it's rescheduled for tomorrow. We'll see what she says about my "weight-related health concerns."

3. I have a temporary sponsor at OA. I went back for my 3rd meeting today. Afterwards, I stood there while I watched everyone talking and laughing and I panicked and started crying. How to find a sponsor? How to approach ANYONE and talk? HOW? Too anxious, too scary, too much. Too overwhelmed. But fortunately someone took pity on me and is now my temporary sponsor. We talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, and she encouraged me to buy one of the books OA has for sale about the 12 steps and 12 traditions. I'm calling her tomorrow for to take the first step. She won't be my permanent sponsor...something about lesbian sponsors allowed to have female sponsees. I completely understand....but seriously? What? Does she think she's going to fall in love with ME? Psh.

4. That's all, folks.

Update time

Here are my thoughts at the moment:

1. I went to my second OA meeting today. I think I'm ready for a sponsor, but don't really know how to proceed. Someone at the meeting suggested that I approach anyone that I felt I had a "connection" with. How the hell am I supposed to have a connection with someone that I don't even know. I don't even remember everyone's names. So that's tricky. My therapist suggested that I attend at least 2 (if not more) meetings a week, until I get into the groove of things. I'm going to start attending a Thursday night meeting too. Perhaps I will find someone there that I have a connection to. We'll see.

2. So my therapist seems pretty on board with all of this and is being supportive. She doesn't have an expertise with eating disorders, though, which sucks. She's going to do some consulting, though, with someone that does and see if she can somehow supplement what I'm getting through OA. If not, I may have to slowly transition out (but not for good) of her care...which makes me quite quite sad, displeased, anxious, and upset. Bah. Only time will tell. I do need help, but I'm hoping that she can do the trick. If not, I know of some groups out there that may help...so I may be able to stay with her for individual, but attend some more focused group sessions.

3. Sometimes I feel like this whole "recovery" thing is a full time job. But so is class, practicum, teaching, job searching...oh and actually living my real life.

4. I tried to schedule an appointment last week with the nutritionist on campus. I've seen her once, so am technically not a "new" client. But it's also been over 8 months since my one appointment...so I really think I need to be a "new" client, and not a "returning" client. I called Health Services and they seemed to agree and offered to schedule an appointment for me on the phone. I said, no don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if I should schedule a "new" client appointment or a "returning" client appointment, and that I could take care of it online myself. But, of course, since I TECHNICALLY am a returning client, even though it was 1 appointment 8 months ago, the online system wouldn't LET me schedule a new client appointment. So frustrating....so tomorrow I need to get back on the phone with Health Services and get this all sorted out. I need to see her, since she specializing in nutrition for eating disorders. Surprise, folks. I have an eating disorder. I need help. I'm really really really at a loss. See #5.

5. I tried my hand at conscious grocery shopping today. I tend to be one extreme or the other: either I'm a horrible, very unhealthy eater, or I am way way way too cautious...almost to the extreme of not eating a single thing because I'm too confused, nervous, etc. Well I bet you can guess which extreme I'm feeling right now. My sister-in-law suggested that I try to be more middle-of-the-road....but I just don't think I can handle that. Middle of the road being....100 calorie packs of cookies and things, as opposed to either full calorie or no cookies at all. I know better, though. Whether it's 100 calories or 700 calories, if I have a box of cookies in front of me, I'm likely to eat the whole damn box. It's frustrating because I don't know which way to move. Grocery shopping is a nightmare for me. Recipes and what not are a nightmare for me. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO EAT. Gah. So...I'm hoping I get in with the nutritionist sooner rather than later. Until then, I really feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark.

6. I've rescheduled a doctor's appointment at health services this Friday. I'm going to see if I can get Dr. O on board with this whole process and see if I can get her physician support for appealing to the insurance company about a "medically necessary" weight loss procedure. If it doesn't work that way, all is not loss. I do have other options, including a very kind and generous loan co-signer, should it come down to that.

7. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to research surgeons in the area. As my generous aforementioned co-signer suggested, finding the right surgeon is KEY. Especially if I'm going to have a lifelong, continued relationship with this person. It's not like when I had my gallbladder out and saw the doctor a total of 3 times. I didn't need to build a rapport with him. I just needed him to cut me open and let me carry on with life. This surgery will be different. So I'm going to work much more proactively about finding the right-fit surgeon. On a related note, I am also going to find out about these surgeon's finance options, again, should it come down to it.

8. This. is. so. frustrating.

9. I am SO SO SO ready to change my life, but sometimes feel at a loss as to where/how to begin.

More later.

-H

Back in full swing

Since going to OA last week, I've tried to be a little more cognizant of why I'm eating at any given moment. As they say in OA, you should HALT. Are you eating because you're Hungry? Or are you eating because you're Angry, Lonely, or Tired? It's an interesting concept...so I've tried to implore it a bit. I think that was how I was able to put the animal crackers down the other day, after reading an upsetting email. I wasn't H. I was A, L, or T. Some people put a S on the end, to include sad/scared. I'm trying to remember to always HALT(S).

In taking this concept a little bit further, I'm trying to think about my triggers. I know they say to keep a food diary to look for patterns, but I have a pretty good sense that I really struggle with the late-night snacking. 10:30 or 11, especially on the weekends, is like prime "over-indulgence" time for me. So I've made a deal with myself to NEVER eat after 9pm. It is a LOT harder than I thought. Last night, I got home around 10pm. Even though I ate a small dinner around 7:30, my body was like "duuuude, you're starving!" But another thing someone mentioned at OA last week...is that no one EVER starves to death in between meals. So even if my body was telling me that I was "hungry" (even though I really probably wasn't), I should know that there is no possible way that I'm going to starve...so to just suck it up and wait until the morning. I was successful this time! But, boy, it's hard!

That's all for now. I'm going buddy grocery shopping on Sunday. I need an extra set of eyes on me, just in case I decide to walk down the ice cream aisle.

-H

Small victory!

I am proud of myself!

I just got a very unsettling email that really upset me. Out of habit, I immediately walked over to the pantry to grab some junk food to eat to make myself feel better. But I caught myself, put the cookies back without eating any, and feel so good right now.

-H

Support

I just want to thank everyone for their unconditional support. I've received a number of very encouraging emails and I am just so grateful.

It is so SO hard for me to be open and honest about this. It's a real struggle. So thank you for being warm and kind.

Speaking of supportive emails, someone forwarded me some information about a local therapist that specializes in individual and group therapy for compulsive overeaters. I'm going to do a bit of research on him and take the information to my own therapist on Saturday and see what she says.

The more support, the better. And as someone said yesterday in OA, every minute that I'm receiving support is a minute that I'm not overeating.

One day at a time!

-H

Another positive step...

So I made it to my first OA meeting today. I was pleased to see a happy mix of young and old, overweight, underweight, and everything in between. The social worker in me was a bit displeased that every single person in the room was white, but that's reality. I'm not sure if it was the location of the meeting, the time of the meeting, or the entire world of OA that made it very very white. But, in any case, I was welcomed with open arms and that was comforting. They say that if I continue to go to meetings, I will eventually have my own sponsor and can create my own "food plan." Not a diet. A food plan. A lot of people's food plans include abstaining from sugar and flour. Or some people's food plans include just eating 3 meals a day and nothing in between.

It was very validating to be in a room full of people (probably around 20 or 30) that really understand what I'm going through. Validating that they understand that emotions can sometimes dictate when, what, and how much food I eat. Or don't eat, for that matter. So, yeah, regardless if I have surgery, join Weight Watchers, diet, exercise, or a combination of all of the above, OA is definitely a tool that I will need to utilize for as long as I can. While the lap-band itself will help dictate how much I'm able to eat (a couple of ounces a few times a day), I will still have to battle with cravings and emotional reactions to food. So even if I'm not physically able to overeat, the desire will still be there. The emotional baggage surrounding when and what I eat will still be there. The desire to eat away my sorrows will still be there. Hopefully using OA in combination with my own personal therapist, will help me gain control over my life again.

I have to be honest that writing this blog is extremely difficult for me. And I every time I click "publish post," I alternate between feeling extremely proud and accomplished, and feeling regretful. I don't like being this exposed and vulnerable. I don't feel like I have control anymore over who sees this and knows "the truth" about what I'm struggling with. (I tried to rewrite that sentence 4 times so that it would be grammatically correct and can't for the life of me figure it out. My apologies). Honestly I want to stop talking about it. I feel like I am walking around with a big flashing arrow pointing to me that says "fat fat fat! Can't control her eating! Wants to lose weight!" I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I've mostly received positive feedback about this blog and the journey itself, I still feel very conflicted. So thank you for being patient and understanding.

I have to express another concern of mine. I'm worried that from now on, when I go out to eat with anyone that knows this story, or am around anyone that's aware of this story, that they're going to judge me. And they're going to scrutinize every morsel of food that I ingest. I feel like I can't mention food or hunger or anything. And I HATE feeling this way. It's not anything anyone has done or said to me since coming out with this blog, but my own problem. I am going to have to learn to deal with it. I'm either going to have to accept the fact that people are going to be secretly (or not so secretly) judging me and say "fuck it!" Or I'm going to have to stop imagining something that's not there. So, again, thank you for being patient and understanding. This is extremely scary for me....being so open and honest and vulnerable.

Unrelated, I made another positive step forward tonight by purchasing a new Weight Watchers cookbook and buying Weight Loss Surgery For Dummies. It's been an interesting read so far. I'm mostly interested in what it has to say about the procedure itself and how to prepare physically and mentally for it...but there are also some very practical tools and suggestions in it as well, that may come in handy later down the road, if I actually decide to have surgery.

On tap for the next day or so: researching loan/loan terms and life insurance policies.

-H

Second chance...

When I started this blog, I intended it to be about me. I quickly strayed from that original intent and ended up hurting a lot of people that I love.

So I'm going to give this another go. I had decided to end it completely, but I think I can do better this time. I'm only human and am prone to making mistakes. But I also learn from them...so here we go. Again.

Tonight I bought a scale, which is always a scary endeavor. I can't remember the last time I physically owned a scale...probably early college or late high school. The number the flashed wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Granted, I HAVE to pare that shit down...but still. I also bought a food scale. I'm not sure quite how to incorporate that into my daily life. I'm afraid that it will just sit idle on my counter (actually, my cat is fascinated by it, so I'm sure she'll get some use out of it, even if I don't). IF I have surgery, I will most definitely need to incorporate into life, since the banding procedure only allows a few ounces of food in the stomach at a time.

I contacted one of my friends from high school that had gastric bypass a few years ago to ask her how she geared up for the procedure. I know that I have a lot of lifestyle changing to do both pre- and post-surgery, so I wanted to see how she had prepared. She basically said that she just started attending a support group and that was pretty much it. I'd like to talk to some of the patients that have already received the Lap-Band at the MyNewSelf center and get their perspective. I think I will contact the nurse this week and see if she can put me in touch with any of them.

I also read some information online tonight about another reputable practice that does the banding procedure. They have free informational sessions, so I might try to hit up one of theirs, in addition to another one at Dr. M's practice. I just want to hear the pitch again, 6 months later, to see if it still hits the same chord it did last time.

Tomorrow starts my journey with Overeater's Anonymous. Hopefully. This is assuming that people actually attend the meetings and what not. I hope it works out. I think I could really benefit from having that support in my life.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

-H

I'm sorry...

Apparently I'm a huge tool.

This whole blog idea was stupid.

I'm feeling really defensive right now.

I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure. I know that it is not a means to an end. I know that IF I decide to have surgery, it is going to be an uphill, lifelong battle. Most days I feel that I am strong enough to handle that. Today, I don't feel strong enough at all. Today I feel like I just want to throw in the towel and say - SO WHAT? So what if I die in 5 years? 10 years? Who am I to think that I am something special? To think that I might have something to offer this world? Isn't obesity and other disease just an evolutionary means to control the population? What if I'm cheating fate? Cheating because I was DESTINED to be a fat fuck and die at age 30? If I lose weight and live until I'm 80, that's cheating the system. And I don't deserve that.

Look, I'll be honest. I want to have surgery. But I also want to change my whole lifestyle - the way I approach food, the way I think and relate to food, the way I eat food. I want to change all of it. Diet and exercise, while won't change the cognitive part of my weight problem, will change the behavioral part. I'm not discounting diet, exercise, and taking this seriously.

But I know that I need a STRINGENT combination of all of the above, including surgery, to make the change I want. I know it's going to be hard work. I know that I am LIGHT YEARS away from being ready. So I apologize. Honestly, this blog picks up in the middle of a thought. I started it on a whim, a year into my battle. Really, what you missed was a lot of suicidal ideation, a lot of depression, and a lot of self destructive behavior. Well, flash forward to a year later, and I'm feeling better emotionally. I'm finally starting to feel strong enough to tackle my physical health. So if it appears that I am rushing into making a decision or that I'm discounting other options and possibilities, than I apologize. Because it is not the case.

-H

Another email update

I received an email from Nurse J at the MyNewSelf Surgical Weight Loss program, which is the program that I'm interested in joining in town, about upcoming seminars and the such. So I responded with the following email, to keep moving this process forward:

Hi J,

I think we've spoken on the phone a number of times. Anyway, I did have a few questions that I was hoping you could answer.

So I've submitted 3 insurances now and have been denied all 3 times...so now I'm considering paying for the Lap-Band out of pocket. How much does the procedure cost, if paying out of pocket? I may up applying for a personal loan, so I'm just wondering about the ball park figure. Is there any sort of payment plan? Or is it a lump sum payment?

Also, my dad is not completely sold on the procedure and would like an opportunity to learn/hear more about it and ask some tough questions, since he too is a physician. Would that be an actual appointment with Dr. M? Or would we have to come speak with someone else? Would that be a separate appointment from when Dr. M(or whomever) would be doing an actual health screening, etc? Would I need a referral in order to come see Dr. M for just informational purposes? Or would I have to pay? How would that work exactly? If I wanted to have a one-on-one with him (or another surgeon) with my dad? How would I go about scheduling that? My dad would like to meet with him prior to my actually becoming a patient/signing up for the procedure.

Sorry to bombard you with a lot of questions. I'd love to know your thoughts.

Thanks in advance,

-H

I'll keep you updated.

Overeater's Anonymous

Well, at Polarpearl's suggestion, I looked up Overeater's Anonymous online.
I'm not completely sold on the concept. But, I am open-minded enough to give it a shot. The website says that I should attend at least 6 meetings before I decide that OA isn't for me. So, starting this week, I am going to give it my best shot to attend at least 6 meetings before I make a decision.

I'm willing to try anything at this point. While OA may or may not directly impact my level of weight, it will hopefully impact some of the emotional reasons behind my eating. That, my friends, is probably a very good thing.

So, here's to being open-minded...

-H

Phew!

So I just got off the phone with mi papa.

The short version is that with my sister's wedding coming up in November (for which I want to look so so schexy!), neither he nor my step mom can financially support my decision to pay for lap-band surgery. I understand that completely. So co-signing a lease is off the table.

But luckily for me, I have a very very kind and generous relative that has offered to help in some capacity. I don't want to jinx it or put the cart before the horse, but it's looking extremely positive.

While my dad admits that the surgery is not the option he would like to see me choose, he will be by my side every step of the way, which I appreciate. If I do go to talk to a surgeon about the procedure, he wants to go with me to ask the tough questions. Again, it's sooooo comforting knowing that while I don't have his immediate blessings, he is at least willing to try.

I told him tonight that he may or may not like the decision I ultimately make, but that he will have to trust me and know that I am making the best decision I can for me. I told him its the best type of investment I could possibly fathom - an investment in ME. Because I honestly do believe that I have a lot to offer this world and it would really be a shame if I didn't have the chance to share my awesomeness.

Today was a good day.

-H

Well...

My dad and I are about to have a "conversation" about the loan email I sent to him last night.

It's going to be rough. Really really rough.

I'll keep you updated.

-H

Did some research...

OK so I poked around online for a bit just now and here's what I've figured out.

1) I really need to figure out this insurance business. "They" suggest that I have the "full support" of my primary care physician and that they submit a pre-approval for the weight loss surgery, indicating that it is medically necessary. So...I scheduled an appointment at Health Services for Friday. I'm basically just going to walk in there and be like "Dr. O, this is whatcha gotta do for me."

2) Along with Dr. O's letter of "medical necessity," it is suggested that I indicate a weight loss history and try my best to document everything. I'm going to look at W's health services and see if I can get my records indicating that I saw the nutritionist there and that I lost weight. I also am going to contact the JCC and the YMCA to see if they can prove my "membership." Same with Weight Watchers. Ugh. That might be a painful process. I'm sure no one will get back to me promptly. I foresee a lot of emails and follow up phone calls in my future. I'm not even sure who to contact at the YMCA. Ugh, hate that place.

3) I applied for a Care Credit card. Its basically a credit card for health care needs. I applied for it a few weeks ago and was denied. Tonight I applied again and was approved for $1,600. I'm not exactly sure what good that'll do me....but I guess it's a step in the right direction. I only need about $18,400 more! Please send money in lieu of graduation gifts! I'm only half kidding! Actually, I'm not kidding at all!

4) This is not a fun process.

5) I'd like to look into loan options. But I need a co-signer. Anyone willing? Seriously.

Ugh. Why does no one believe in this besides me? Me and my therapist. But then again, I pay her $90 an hour...so for $90 an hour, she'll agree to anything.

(As a somewhat related sidebar, my dad once tried to tell me that he didn't think I should have surgery because I could die on the table. NEWSFLASH: I could die without having the surgery! So IF I were to die on the table....at least I would DIE TRYING).

Blah.

-H

Now that I have your attention...

Now that I have your attention, let me start at the beginning of my journey and catch you up to speed.

Spring 2009.
I was home for Passover and remember having a conversation with my dad and stepmom that went a little something like this:
Me: Ugh, I'm fat.
Them: Yeah you are.
Me: What do I do?
Them: Have a meal replacement shake.
Me: Can't I just have weight loss surgery?
Them: Great idea! We support you!

Summer 2009.
I googled and found out some information about the Lap-Band procedure. Sounds very interesting. I show materials to stepmom and dad.
Me: What do you think?
Them: Have a meal replacement shake.
Me: Ugh.
Them: We support you!

Also Summer 2009.
I find a doctor in town that has a special weight loss surgery practice, with surgeons, psychiatrists, and nutritionists all in one place. Score! And they're having a free seminar tomorrow!
I drag my sister, it's very interesting, and I learn a lot. I immediately submit my school insurance information and wait.

Denied.

Late Summer 2009.
Having been denied by my insurance company, I start searching online for another health insurance company. Turns out that in the past, my stepmom's insurance company has covered the surgery. But, not surprisingly, she refuses to let me join her insurance, even though I'm technically still below the cutoff age. [what I think she failed to understand is that she would not be paying for my part of the insurance or for any associated costs of the surgery. I would take care of that. I just needed her to find out how to add me to her plan. Denied] My sister, and insurance guru, helps me search online. Most places screen me and say due to my weight, they can't insure me. [Well if that's not a catch-22, I don't know what is. You won't insure me because I'm fat and could die. I could die because I'm fat and need insurance. Which came first: the chicken or the egg?] I finally find a health plan [Beechstreet] that supposedly covers 50% of the surgery. Score! I'll figure out a way to come up with the other half! I go ahead and order the plan.

Early Fall 2009.
My school switched insurance companies! I'll submit this one and see if they'll cover the surgery! And I'll submit the aforementioned health plan. Sweet! Denied. Denied. [What? The health plan won't cover 50% like I was told? Yep, lying dickheads]

That brings us up to date.

What do I do now?

-H

No shame, no gain?

Let's revisit the whole "I'm going to be extremely candid and it will probably offend you at some point" conversation. This is one of those times.

Wait, before we get to that - let me address something. HAVEN'T YOU TRIED DIET AND EXERCISE? Yep. WHAT ABOUT WEIGHT WATCHERS? Uh huh. A NUTRITIONIST? Yes. Multiple times.

Believe when I say that I have literally exhausted every other option: personal trainers, checking out workout/fitness/weightlifting books from the library, Slim-Fast, prayer, meditation, starvation, purging. I've tried it all. Besides a divine miracle, my only viable option right now is weight loss surgery, much to the chagrin of most of my family.

See: "oh-so-supportive family" below.

My sister once suggested that I "JUST try diet and exercise." My dad tries to sell me on his meal replacement shake every time I bring up the subject of weight loss (sidebar: it got to the point where I just stopped talking to him about it, because it's easier to do this on my own, than start a fight with him every time I try to talk about it). My brother told me that weigh loss surgery is a bad idea and that I'm making a rash decision. But what my family doesn't understand is JUST HOW MISERABLE I AM. What they also don't understand is JUST HOW SCARED I AM. What they mostly don't understand is just how much weight I need to lose. We're talking hundreds of pounds. If I just needed to lose 20-30 lbs, then yes, for goodness sake, give me a meal replacement shake. Give me a treadmill. Give me some freaking dumbbells. I've done it ALL. And it works. For 20-30 lbs. But then I gain it back. Plus 10-15 lbs. I need something permanent. Something with accountability. Something where "cheat days" need not apply. See: weight loss surgery.

I know MY body. I know MY motivation. I know MY triggers. No one else does.

It's infuriating and invalidating and annoying.

So, like I started to say about a million words ago, here is a very candid list of the reasons WHY I want weight loss surgery:

1. I have chronic back pain because of my chest/weight (I bring this up first because I am currently doped up on enough ibuprofen to kill a small elephant)

2. I suffer from extreme shortness of breath. I fear that more than a single flight of stairs will literally kill me one day.

3. I have sleep apnea. I've never been diagnosed, but I do wake up occasionally gasping (GASPING) for air. It's scary as shit.

4. I have numbness in my left leg. I've been told it's probably a pinched nerve due to weight.

5. The top of my left foot has been painfully sore for the past 2 months or so. I'm guessing it's a stress fracture or just a very stressed foot due to carrying around a lot of weight.

6. I am probably pre-diabetic. With 2 uncles and a grandpa on one side of my family that have/had diabetes and a father on the other side of the family with diabetes, I think I have like a 400% chance of developing Type II diabetes in the nearish future, if I don't do something stat.

7. I have such low self-confidence. I'm tired of feeling like a worthless, disgusting, sack of dog crap. (Oh, and if I don't feel that way, I won't let people treat me that way either. ::coughcough:: )

8. I've recently developed a bit of social anxiety. I don't like leaving the house and going into public, if I can avoid it. I can literally feel people judging me with their eyes. Yesterday, a woman at the mall asked me when my baby was due. I'll let that sink in for a moment.

...

9. I'm tired of having to count steps to the door of the mall, the restaurant, the grocery store, wherever. If it's really far, I sometimes can't muster the physical or emotional strength that it will take to get there. See shortness of breath above.

10. I'd like to be able to sit in a booth at a restaurant. I can if the table moves. But if the table is bolted to the ground, forgetta bout it. How demoralizing is it to say to a hostess "Um, sorry, but can we sit at a table instead?" Or how about that one time the waitress actually stood there and WATCHED as I struggled to fit my fat ass in the booth? I died inside.

11. Airplanes. I'd like to be able to sit comfortably on an airplane. Better yet, I'd like to be able to buckle the goddamn seat belt. Talk about demoralizing. "Excuse me, flight attendant, but the seat belt doesn't appear to fit around my fat ass. You wouldn't happen to have a seat belt extender, would you?" D.E.M.O.R.A.L.I.Z.I.N.G.

12. I am always always always afraid that the seat, chair, whatever I'm sitting in/on is going to collapse under my weight. Sometimes I am so preoccupied with worrying about it that I can't pay attention to whatever else is going on around me. If that ever happened (and thank god it hasn't....yet), it would be the absolute death of me. I once saw it happen to a man. I still cringe at the memory on his behalf.

13. I'd like to be able to walk into most stores and buy some clothes. Yes, there are plenty of plus size options these days...but what do you do when you LITERALLY wear the LARGEST size that Lane Bryant carries? How am I supposed to find pants to wear to work if I'm too fat even for the plus size store? I'm going to have to start special ordering my clothes. KILL ME NOW. (Look, I don't want to be a size 8 or 10 or even 12. I'd just like to be a curvy 16. At least then, I can still shop at my favorite plus size stores [hello, Torrid] but be able to shop at Old Navy and Target and the Gap with ease. I have KLASSY taste).

14. I want to stop feeling guilt/shame when I eat. Anything.

15. I'd like to be able to buckle my seat belt in the back seat of my dad's car. (Perhaps I should have included this in the airplane section)

16. [on second thought, I've deleted this part. I said I wasn't going to censor...but I had to censor this. Let's just say it had to do with sex. Or, rather, the lackthereof.]

17. I'd like to date. And not have to search for "BBW friendly" on Craigslist like I did yesterday. THIS IS WHAT ROCK BOTTOM LOOKS LIKE, FOLKS.

18. I'd like to eliminate "crazy cat lady" and "old maid" from my vocabulary.

19. If I'm able to conceive children (See: #8, 17, 18, 19), I'd like to be able to physically keep up with them. Or comfortably play with them on the floor. Or breast feed. Or hold. Where the hell is the baby going to go since I conceivably have no lap. Just a bit fat gut. (On a related note, and probably worthy of its own number, my mom died at the age of 47. She wasn't even BIG! She did have heart disease though. And just died out of the blue one day. That could be me. I don't want to die at 47. That would mean that my life is more than half over. And, fuckin' a, I have a lot left to do. I haven't even started my REAL LIFE! I'm a grad student! That's not real life!)

I think that's sufficient for now. If I think of more, I'll post.

-H

Yes, I'm seriously doing this.

Let me paint you a picture: I'm sitting alone in my apartment, with only a cat to keep my company. And I just ate 4 cinnamon rolls. Why do I tell you this? To prove to you just how pathetic and alone I am.

Don't roll your eyes.

Don't feel sorry for me, either. I don't want your sympathy.

Then why blog about my pathetic existence if I don't want people's sympathy, you ask? For educational purposes only. [Do not try this at home.]

Look, I'm fat. Really really really fat. And, like most fat people, I dream about the day when I can finally be....unfat. I don't want to say skinny, 'cos lord knows I'ma never gonna be a size 2. But I would like to get rid of some of this extra weight that I'm carrying around. Seriously. It feels like I'm tugging around a 12 year old, for goodness sake. So I'm trying to have weight loss surgery.

Sure, lots of people successfully have weight loss surgery and live happily ever after, so why am I so important that I deserve my own blog? Well, 1) it's free, so you can suck it; 2) I like to do things the hard way, which is a good thing because my insurance company has denied coverage 3 times (more on this later), so it's bound to be a good read; 3) I'm a poor graduate student, with poor credit, no reliable income, and trying to finance the surgery without the help of my oh-so-supportive (insert sarcasm here) family; and, most importantly, 4) I'm a narcissist.

I have this dream that throughout the course of this "journey," my blog will become a cult sensation. I could be the Bridget Jones of my time, only on the internet. That is, until some publisher picks up wind of my wild success on the internet, and gives me an 8 -figure book deal. Or 7-figure. Fine, 6-figure. Sigh. Maybe the book is so successful that it's turned into a major motion picture? I don't even care if it tanks! (Which it won't, obviously, because it'll be about me!). And since I'll be hot, sexy, and unfat by the premiere, I will wear some swanky ball gown, with Christian Bale as my arm candy.

HEY. A girl can dream.

Fine, the real reason that I'm starting this blog is this: to help make the process for the next fattie to have weight loss surgery go a little bit smoother. I'm sure there are blogs like this already. That talk about insurance and finance options and all that crap, but honestly, I'm too lazy to search. So I'm just gonna start my own. I hope that somewhere out there, there is a fat girl just like me who is DYING to let the skinny bitch that lives beneath her layers and layers AND LAYERS of fat and cellulite OUT FOR FRESH AIR! So even if the process sucks for me, maybe it will help someone else.

So that's it.

I am going to try to be as candid as possible because I don't feel the need to censor myself.
I will probably offend you. Just know this now.

If you have a problem with something I say, deal with it.

See #4 above. I'm a narcissist.

Buckle up. It's bound to be a bumpy ride.

-H