caught in the middle.

The past few days have been pretty rough. I'm realizing that I'm not strong enough to do this on my own...but I also feel like my support system is rather thin these days. My family (immediate and extended) has been truly wonderful...but I need more.

Let's start with Thursday.

I made the rash decision to reach out to an old friend. For whatever reason, I thought that if anyone could love me and support me and believe in me unconditionally, it would be her. I guess I was wrong. It seems that too much time has passed and too many hurt feelings remain. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call her and perhaps I wasn't prepared enough, because the conversation was a disaster. The sound I'm making right now is akin to a bomb falling and crashing into the ground. Not sure how I would type that sound exactly, but that's certainly what happened. Seems I caught her at a bad time, she couldn't (or didn't want to talk) and she promised to call me on Friday. Well, it's Sunday and I'm still waiting. I feel foolish for believing in her...and even more foolish for believing that anyone at all would give a flying fuck about me and my "eating disorder." Shudder.

The rest of the weekend was not any better. I haven't been able to make contact with my sponsor since Thursday. It has been an awkward week with her. She obviously doesn't like me and I don't like her. So it's just...painful. Part of the reason for our lack of communication is that my schedule was seriously screwed up this weekend having my folks in town and my sister's engagement party yesterday...and part because I forgot to call her. And today I wasn't able to make it to the OA meeting...so I just feel a bit out of control and helpless.

The party last night was wonderful...but I had a hard time controlling my eating. The food was delicious and right in front of me. So I ate it. Once I had about 3-4 glasses of wine in me, it was all over. I could no longer control my eating. Because that's what you do when you drink...you snack on crap. I know that the logical answer would be....abstain from drinking and then you won't be tempted to eat while intoxicated. But I DON'T have a problem with alcohol...my problem is with eating. So I don't know what to do about that. I need to get back on track with my sponsor by calling her tonight. I need to try to find another OA meeting to go to this week. I need to find a sponsor that doesn't hate me and that I don't hate just as much, if not more.

The good news is that my dad and stepmom are being very supportive right now. They've offered to help me figure some things out, including additional therapy. So the psychologist that a friend recommended to me that specializes in both group therapy and individual sessions for compulsive overeaters may actually be an option. I don't want to have to leave my current therapist...or transition out slowly. She's the only constant I seem to have in my life right now and I'm not strong enough to abandon that altogether. They've also offered to help me procure some workout items. I've hinted strongly that I want a Wii Fit. I think they're thinking more along the lines of a 10 speed bicycle or some free weights or something...but we'll see.

My dad even told me today that he's proud of me. That by itself makes all of this worth it...

-H