Another positive step...

So I made it to my first OA meeting today. I was pleased to see a happy mix of young and old, overweight, underweight, and everything in between. The social worker in me was a bit displeased that every single person in the room was white, but that's reality. I'm not sure if it was the location of the meeting, the time of the meeting, or the entire world of OA that made it very very white. But, in any case, I was welcomed with open arms and that was comforting. They say that if I continue to go to meetings, I will eventually have my own sponsor and can create my own "food plan." Not a diet. A food plan. A lot of people's food plans include abstaining from sugar and flour. Or some people's food plans include just eating 3 meals a day and nothing in between.

It was very validating to be in a room full of people (probably around 20 or 30) that really understand what I'm going through. Validating that they understand that emotions can sometimes dictate when, what, and how much food I eat. Or don't eat, for that matter. So, yeah, regardless if I have surgery, join Weight Watchers, diet, exercise, or a combination of all of the above, OA is definitely a tool that I will need to utilize for as long as I can. While the lap-band itself will help dictate how much I'm able to eat (a couple of ounces a few times a day), I will still have to battle with cravings and emotional reactions to food. So even if I'm not physically able to overeat, the desire will still be there. The emotional baggage surrounding when and what I eat will still be there. The desire to eat away my sorrows will still be there. Hopefully using OA in combination with my own personal therapist, will help me gain control over my life again.

I have to be honest that writing this blog is extremely difficult for me. And I every time I click "publish post," I alternate between feeling extremely proud and accomplished, and feeling regretful. I don't like being this exposed and vulnerable. I don't feel like I have control anymore over who sees this and knows "the truth" about what I'm struggling with. (I tried to rewrite that sentence 4 times so that it would be grammatically correct and can't for the life of me figure it out. My apologies). Honestly I want to stop talking about it. I feel like I am walking around with a big flashing arrow pointing to me that says "fat fat fat! Can't control her eating! Wants to lose weight!" I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I've mostly received positive feedback about this blog and the journey itself, I still feel very conflicted. So thank you for being patient and understanding.

I have to express another concern of mine. I'm worried that from now on, when I go out to eat with anyone that knows this story, or am around anyone that's aware of this story, that they're going to judge me. And they're going to scrutinize every morsel of food that I ingest. I feel like I can't mention food or hunger or anything. And I HATE feeling this way. It's not anything anyone has done or said to me since coming out with this blog, but my own problem. I am going to have to learn to deal with it. I'm either going to have to accept the fact that people are going to be secretly (or not so secretly) judging me and say "fuck it!" Or I'm going to have to stop imagining something that's not there. So, again, thank you for being patient and understanding. This is extremely scary for me....being so open and honest and vulnerable.

Unrelated, I made another positive step forward tonight by purchasing a new Weight Watchers cookbook and buying Weight Loss Surgery For Dummies. It's been an interesting read so far. I'm mostly interested in what it has to say about the procedure itself and how to prepare physically and mentally for it...but there are also some very practical tools and suggestions in it as well, that may come in handy later down the road, if I actually decide to have surgery.

On tap for the next day or so: researching loan/loan terms and life insurance policies.

-H