So I'm back on track with my sponsor...
And she's been on me about reading and writing and doing some reflecting.
So since I've done just that, I thought I'd share...
Step 1 of OA says that we admit we are powerless over food and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Well, I find this troubling because in social work, we're taught to see things from a strengths perspective.
So, what does it mean exactly to be powerless?
Can we be powerless and empowered at the same time?
I may be powerless over my eating, but I have to power to do something about it...
...I have the power to reach out for help
...I have the power to pick up the phone and call my sponsor
...I have the power to talk to a friend
...I have the power to attend meetings
...I have the power to read, write, and reflect
...I have the power to do service
I AM powerless over food.
My eating is out of control.
Food clouds my (almost) every thought.
But...
I feel empowered to do smething about it.
-H
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
caught in the middle.
The past few days have been pretty rough. I'm realizing that I'm not strong enough to do this on my own...but I also feel like my support system is rather thin these days. My family (immediate and extended) has been truly wonderful...but I need more.
Let's start with Thursday.
I made the rash decision to reach out to an old friend. For whatever reason, I thought that if anyone could love me and support me and believe in me unconditionally, it would be her. I guess I was wrong. It seems that too much time has passed and too many hurt feelings remain. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call her and perhaps I wasn't prepared enough, because the conversation was a disaster. The sound I'm making right now is akin to a bomb falling and crashing into the ground. Not sure how I would type that sound exactly, but that's certainly what happened. Seems I caught her at a bad time, she couldn't (or didn't want to talk) and she promised to call me on Friday. Well, it's Sunday and I'm still waiting. I feel foolish for believing in her...and even more foolish for believing that anyone at all would give a flying fuck about me and my "eating disorder." Shudder.
The rest of the weekend was not any better. I haven't been able to make contact with my sponsor since Thursday. It has been an awkward week with her. She obviously doesn't like me and I don't like her. So it's just...painful. Part of the reason for our lack of communication is that my schedule was seriously screwed up this weekend having my folks in town and my sister's engagement party yesterday...and part because I forgot to call her. And today I wasn't able to make it to the OA meeting...so I just feel a bit out of control and helpless.
The party last night was wonderful...but I had a hard time controlling my eating. The food was delicious and right in front of me. So I ate it. Once I had about 3-4 glasses of wine in me, it was all over. I could no longer control my eating. Because that's what you do when you drink...you snack on crap. I know that the logical answer would be....abstain from drinking and then you won't be tempted to eat while intoxicated. But I DON'T have a problem with alcohol...my problem is with eating. So I don't know what to do about that. I need to get back on track with my sponsor by calling her tonight. I need to try to find another OA meeting to go to this week. I need to find a sponsor that doesn't hate me and that I don't hate just as much, if not more.
The good news is that my dad and stepmom are being very supportive right now. They've offered to help me figure some things out, including additional therapy. So the psychologist that a friend recommended to me that specializes in both group therapy and individual sessions for compulsive overeaters may actually be an option. I don't want to have to leave my current therapist...or transition out slowly. She's the only constant I seem to have in my life right now and I'm not strong enough to abandon that altogether. They've also offered to help me procure some workout items. I've hinted strongly that I want a Wii Fit. I think they're thinking more along the lines of a 10 speed bicycle or some free weights or something...but we'll see.
My dad even told me today that he's proud of me. That by itself makes all of this worth it...
-H
Let's start with Thursday.
I made the rash decision to reach out to an old friend. For whatever reason, I thought that if anyone could love me and support me and believe in me unconditionally, it would be her. I guess I was wrong. It seems that too much time has passed and too many hurt feelings remain. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call her and perhaps I wasn't prepared enough, because the conversation was a disaster. The sound I'm making right now is akin to a bomb falling and crashing into the ground. Not sure how I would type that sound exactly, but that's certainly what happened. Seems I caught her at a bad time, she couldn't (or didn't want to talk) and she promised to call me on Friday. Well, it's Sunday and I'm still waiting. I feel foolish for believing in her...and even more foolish for believing that anyone at all would give a flying fuck about me and my "eating disorder." Shudder.
The rest of the weekend was not any better. I haven't been able to make contact with my sponsor since Thursday. It has been an awkward week with her. She obviously doesn't like me and I don't like her. So it's just...painful. Part of the reason for our lack of communication is that my schedule was seriously screwed up this weekend having my folks in town and my sister's engagement party yesterday...and part because I forgot to call her. And today I wasn't able to make it to the OA meeting...so I just feel a bit out of control and helpless.
The party last night was wonderful...but I had a hard time controlling my eating. The food was delicious and right in front of me. So I ate it. Once I had about 3-4 glasses of wine in me, it was all over. I could no longer control my eating. Because that's what you do when you drink...you snack on crap. I know that the logical answer would be....abstain from drinking and then you won't be tempted to eat while intoxicated. But I DON'T have a problem with alcohol...my problem is with eating. So I don't know what to do about that. I need to get back on track with my sponsor by calling her tonight. I need to try to find another OA meeting to go to this week. I need to find a sponsor that doesn't hate me and that I don't hate just as much, if not more.
The good news is that my dad and stepmom are being very supportive right now. They've offered to help me figure some things out, including additional therapy. So the psychologist that a friend recommended to me that specializes in both group therapy and individual sessions for compulsive overeaters may actually be an option. I don't want to have to leave my current therapist...or transition out slowly. She's the only constant I seem to have in my life right now and I'm not strong enough to abandon that altogether. They've also offered to help me procure some workout items. I've hinted strongly that I want a Wii Fit. I think they're thinking more along the lines of a 10 speed bicycle or some free weights or something...but we'll see.
My dad even told me today that he's proud of me. That by itself makes all of this worth it...
-H
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
well...
I met with Dr. O at health services yesterday. The short version is that she is completely sympathetic to my situation, supportive of the surgery, and wants to put me in touch with her friend Lisa that had the Lap-Band and is just doing "fantastically." But she says that Aetna absolutely won't cover the procedure, whether it's medically necessary or not. She's going to put me in touch with the Aetna rep for the school, just so that I can verify this. But as far as Dr. O's concerned, there is no appeal process, etc. It's just not covered. She thinks it may be possible for it to be "run" through the insurance anyway, which could knock off a couple thousand dollars. She'll keep me updated. Additionally, Dr. O says that sometimes there are surgeons who perform the surgery at the medical school as research and sometimes they're looking for "subjects." Dr. O is going to email into her network about this and see what can be done. In the meantime, I'm just supposed to wait and hear from her. So I guess not all is lost. Still a bit demoralizing, though.
In other news, I called my reluctant temporary sponsor yesterday at our designated time and ::shock:: she didn't pick up. Yeah, I'm not surprised. As if her reluctance to be my sponsor wasn't bad enough - she actually had the gall to blow me off! I feel rejected and deflected and generally crappy about it. I'm so horrible/unwanted/unloveable that even my pathetic OA sponsor wants nothing to do with me. I really AM a loser! Hahahahaha. Maniacal laughter. Hahahaha.
-H
In other news, I called my reluctant temporary sponsor yesterday at our designated time and ::shock:: she didn't pick up. Yeah, I'm not surprised. As if her reluctance to be my sponsor wasn't bad enough - she actually had the gall to blow me off! I feel rejected and deflected and generally crappy about it. I'm so horrible/unwanted/unloveable that even my pathetic OA sponsor wants nothing to do with me. I really AM a loser! Hahahahaha. Maniacal laughter. Hahahaha.
-H
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Super Quick Update
I'm still alive and kickin'.
Felt the need to reassure you all that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet - I'm just a grad student, with 2 jobs, an internship, and getting ready to graduate.
However, here's what's new:
1. Finally was able to make an appointment with the nutritionist on Feb. 23rd. That was the earliest they could get me in.
2. I had an appointment schedule with a doc at health services for last Friday, but the doctor had to cancel, so it's rescheduled for tomorrow. We'll see what she says about my "weight-related health concerns."
3. I have a temporary sponsor at OA. I went back for my 3rd meeting today. Afterwards, I stood there while I watched everyone talking and laughing and I panicked and started crying. How to find a sponsor? How to approach ANYONE and talk? HOW? Too anxious, too scary, too much. Too overwhelmed. But fortunately someone took pity on me and is now my temporary sponsor. We talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, and she encouraged me to buy one of the books OA has for sale about the 12 steps and 12 traditions. I'm calling her tomorrow for to take the first step. She won't be my permanent sponsor...something about lesbian sponsors allowed to have female sponsees. I completely understand....but seriously? What? Does she think she's going to fall in love with ME? Psh.
4. That's all, folks.
Felt the need to reassure you all that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet - I'm just a grad student, with 2 jobs, an internship, and getting ready to graduate.
However, here's what's new:
1. Finally was able to make an appointment with the nutritionist on Feb. 23rd. That was the earliest they could get me in.
2. I had an appointment schedule with a doc at health services for last Friday, but the doctor had to cancel, so it's rescheduled for tomorrow. We'll see what she says about my "weight-related health concerns."
3. I have a temporary sponsor at OA. I went back for my 3rd meeting today. Afterwards, I stood there while I watched everyone talking and laughing and I panicked and started crying. How to find a sponsor? How to approach ANYONE and talk? HOW? Too anxious, too scary, too much. Too overwhelmed. But fortunately someone took pity on me and is now my temporary sponsor. We talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, and she encouraged me to buy one of the books OA has for sale about the 12 steps and 12 traditions. I'm calling her tomorrow for to take the first step. She won't be my permanent sponsor...something about lesbian sponsors allowed to have female sponsees. I completely understand....but seriously? What? Does she think she's going to fall in love with ME? Psh.
4. That's all, folks.
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