I'm sorry...

Apparently I'm a huge tool.

This whole blog idea was stupid.

I'm feeling really defensive right now.

I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure. I know that it is not a means to an end. I know that IF I decide to have surgery, it is going to be an uphill, lifelong battle. Most days I feel that I am strong enough to handle that. Today, I don't feel strong enough at all. Today I feel like I just want to throw in the towel and say - SO WHAT? So what if I die in 5 years? 10 years? Who am I to think that I am something special? To think that I might have something to offer this world? Isn't obesity and other disease just an evolutionary means to control the population? What if I'm cheating fate? Cheating because I was DESTINED to be a fat fuck and die at age 30? If I lose weight and live until I'm 80, that's cheating the system. And I don't deserve that.

Look, I'll be honest. I want to have surgery. But I also want to change my whole lifestyle - the way I approach food, the way I think and relate to food, the way I eat food. I want to change all of it. Diet and exercise, while won't change the cognitive part of my weight problem, will change the behavioral part. I'm not discounting diet, exercise, and taking this seriously.

But I know that I need a STRINGENT combination of all of the above, including surgery, to make the change I want. I know it's going to be hard work. I know that I am LIGHT YEARS away from being ready. So I apologize. Honestly, this blog picks up in the middle of a thought. I started it on a whim, a year into my battle. Really, what you missed was a lot of suicidal ideation, a lot of depression, and a lot of self destructive behavior. Well, flash forward to a year later, and I'm feeling better emotionally. I'm finally starting to feel strong enough to tackle my physical health. So if it appears that I am rushing into making a decision or that I'm discounting other options and possibilities, than I apologize. Because it is not the case.

-H