Update time

Here are my thoughts at the moment:

1. I went to my second OA meeting today. I think I'm ready for a sponsor, but don't really know how to proceed. Someone at the meeting suggested that I approach anyone that I felt I had a "connection" with. How the hell am I supposed to have a connection with someone that I don't even know. I don't even remember everyone's names. So that's tricky. My therapist suggested that I attend at least 2 (if not more) meetings a week, until I get into the groove of things. I'm going to start attending a Thursday night meeting too. Perhaps I will find someone there that I have a connection to. We'll see.

2. So my therapist seems pretty on board with all of this and is being supportive. She doesn't have an expertise with eating disorders, though, which sucks. She's going to do some consulting, though, with someone that does and see if she can somehow supplement what I'm getting through OA. If not, I may have to slowly transition out (but not for good) of her care...which makes me quite quite sad, displeased, anxious, and upset. Bah. Only time will tell. I do need help, but I'm hoping that she can do the trick. If not, I know of some groups out there that may help...so I may be able to stay with her for individual, but attend some more focused group sessions.

3. Sometimes I feel like this whole "recovery" thing is a full time job. But so is class, practicum, teaching, job searching...oh and actually living my real life.

4. I tried to schedule an appointment last week with the nutritionist on campus. I've seen her once, so am technically not a "new" client. But it's also been over 8 months since my one appointment...so I really think I need to be a "new" client, and not a "returning" client. I called Health Services and they seemed to agree and offered to schedule an appointment for me on the phone. I said, no don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if I should schedule a "new" client appointment or a "returning" client appointment, and that I could take care of it online myself. But, of course, since I TECHNICALLY am a returning client, even though it was 1 appointment 8 months ago, the online system wouldn't LET me schedule a new client appointment. So frustrating....so tomorrow I need to get back on the phone with Health Services and get this all sorted out. I need to see her, since she specializing in nutrition for eating disorders. Surprise, folks. I have an eating disorder. I need help. I'm really really really at a loss. See #5.

5. I tried my hand at conscious grocery shopping today. I tend to be one extreme or the other: either I'm a horrible, very unhealthy eater, or I am way way way too cautious...almost to the extreme of not eating a single thing because I'm too confused, nervous, etc. Well I bet you can guess which extreme I'm feeling right now. My sister-in-law suggested that I try to be more middle-of-the-road....but I just don't think I can handle that. Middle of the road being....100 calorie packs of cookies and things, as opposed to either full calorie or no cookies at all. I know better, though. Whether it's 100 calories or 700 calories, if I have a box of cookies in front of me, I'm likely to eat the whole damn box. It's frustrating because I don't know which way to move. Grocery shopping is a nightmare for me. Recipes and what not are a nightmare for me. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO EAT. Gah. So...I'm hoping I get in with the nutritionist sooner rather than later. Until then, I really feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark.

6. I've rescheduled a doctor's appointment at health services this Friday. I'm going to see if I can get Dr. O on board with this whole process and see if I can get her physician support for appealing to the insurance company about a "medically necessary" weight loss procedure. If it doesn't work that way, all is not loss. I do have other options, including a very kind and generous loan co-signer, should it come down to that.

7. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to research surgeons in the area. As my generous aforementioned co-signer suggested, finding the right surgeon is KEY. Especially if I'm going to have a lifelong, continued relationship with this person. It's not like when I had my gallbladder out and saw the doctor a total of 3 times. I didn't need to build a rapport with him. I just needed him to cut me open and let me carry on with life. This surgery will be different. So I'm going to work much more proactively about finding the right-fit surgeon. On a related note, I am also going to find out about these surgeon's finance options, again, should it come down to it.

8. This. is. so. frustrating.

9. I am SO SO SO ready to change my life, but sometimes feel at a loss as to where/how to begin.

More later.

-H