Here are my thoughts at the moment:
1. I went to my second OA meeting today. I think I'm ready for a sponsor, but don't really know how to proceed. Someone at the meeting suggested that I approach anyone that I felt I had a "connection" with. How the hell am I supposed to have a connection with someone that I don't even know. I don't even remember everyone's names. So that's tricky. My therapist suggested that I attend at least 2 (if not more) meetings a week, until I get into the groove of things. I'm going to start attending a Thursday night meeting too. Perhaps I will find someone there that I have a connection to. We'll see.
2. So my therapist seems pretty on board with all of this and is being supportive. She doesn't have an expertise with eating disorders, though, which sucks. She's going to do some consulting, though, with someone that does and see if she can somehow supplement what I'm getting through OA. If not, I may have to slowly transition out (but not for good) of her care...which makes me quite quite sad, displeased, anxious, and upset. Bah. Only time will tell. I do need help, but I'm hoping that she can do the trick. If not, I know of some groups out there that may help...so I may be able to stay with her for individual, but attend some more focused group sessions.
3. Sometimes I feel like this whole "recovery" thing is a full time job. But so is class, practicum, teaching, job searching...oh and actually living my real life.
4. I tried to schedule an appointment last week with the nutritionist on campus. I've seen her once, so am technically not a "new" client. But it's also been over 8 months since my one appointment...so I really think I need to be a "new" client, and not a "returning" client. I called Health Services and they seemed to agree and offered to schedule an appointment for me on the phone. I said, no don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if I should schedule a "new" client appointment or a "returning" client appointment, and that I could take care of it online myself. But, of course, since I TECHNICALLY am a returning client, even though it was 1 appointment 8 months ago, the online system wouldn't LET me schedule a new client appointment. So frustrating....so tomorrow I need to get back on the phone with Health Services and get this all sorted out. I need to see her, since she specializing in nutrition for eating disorders. Surprise, folks. I have an eating disorder. I need help. I'm really really really at a loss. See #5.
5. I tried my hand at conscious grocery shopping today. I tend to be one extreme or the other: either I'm a horrible, very unhealthy eater, or I am way way way too cautious...almost to the extreme of not eating a single thing because I'm too confused, nervous, etc. Well I bet you can guess which extreme I'm feeling right now. My sister-in-law suggested that I try to be more middle-of-the-road....but I just don't think I can handle that. Middle of the road being....100 calorie packs of cookies and things, as opposed to either full calorie or no cookies at all. I know better, though. Whether it's 100 calories or 700 calories, if I have a box of cookies in front of me, I'm likely to eat the whole damn box. It's frustrating because I don't know which way to move. Grocery shopping is a nightmare for me. Recipes and what not are a nightmare for me. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO EAT. Gah. So...I'm hoping I get in with the nutritionist sooner rather than later. Until then, I really feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark.
6. I've rescheduled a doctor's appointment at health services this Friday. I'm going to see if I can get Dr. O on board with this whole process and see if I can get her physician support for appealing to the insurance company about a "medically necessary" weight loss procedure. If it doesn't work that way, all is not loss. I do have other options, including a very kind and generous loan co-signer, should it come down to that.
7. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to research surgeons in the area. As my generous aforementioned co-signer suggested, finding the right surgeon is KEY. Especially if I'm going to have a lifelong, continued relationship with this person. It's not like when I had my gallbladder out and saw the doctor a total of 3 times. I didn't need to build a rapport with him. I just needed him to cut me open and let me carry on with life. This surgery will be different. So I'm going to work much more proactively about finding the right-fit surgeon. On a related note, I am also going to find out about these surgeon's finance options, again, should it come down to it.
8. This. is. so. frustrating.
9. I am SO SO SO ready to change my life, but sometimes feel at a loss as to where/how to begin.
More later.
-H
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Back in full swing
Since going to OA last week, I've tried to be a little more cognizant of why I'm eating at any given moment. As they say in OA, you should HALT. Are you eating because you're Hungry? Or are you eating because you're Angry, Lonely, or Tired? It's an interesting concept...so I've tried to implore it a bit. I think that was how I was able to put the animal crackers down the other day, after reading an upsetting email. I wasn't H. I was A, L, or T. Some people put a S on the end, to include sad/scared. I'm trying to remember to always HALT(S).
In taking this concept a little bit further, I'm trying to think about my triggers. I know they say to keep a food diary to look for patterns, but I have a pretty good sense that I really struggle with the late-night snacking. 10:30 or 11, especially on the weekends, is like prime "over-indulgence" time for me. So I've made a deal with myself to NEVER eat after 9pm. It is a LOT harder than I thought. Last night, I got home around 10pm. Even though I ate a small dinner around 7:30, my body was like "duuuude, you're starving!" But another thing someone mentioned at OA last week...is that no one EVER starves to death in between meals. So even if my body was telling me that I was "hungry" (even though I really probably wasn't), I should know that there is no possible way that I'm going to starve...so to just suck it up and wait until the morning. I was successful this time! But, boy, it's hard!
That's all for now. I'm going buddy grocery shopping on Sunday. I need an extra set of eyes on me, just in case I decide to walk down the ice cream aisle.
-H
In taking this concept a little bit further, I'm trying to think about my triggers. I know they say to keep a food diary to look for patterns, but I have a pretty good sense that I really struggle with the late-night snacking. 10:30 or 11, especially on the weekends, is like prime "over-indulgence" time for me. So I've made a deal with myself to NEVER eat after 9pm. It is a LOT harder than I thought. Last night, I got home around 10pm. Even though I ate a small dinner around 7:30, my body was like "duuuude, you're starving!" But another thing someone mentioned at OA last week...is that no one EVER starves to death in between meals. So even if my body was telling me that I was "hungry" (even though I really probably wasn't), I should know that there is no possible way that I'm going to starve...so to just suck it up and wait until the morning. I was successful this time! But, boy, it's hard!
That's all for now. I'm going buddy grocery shopping on Sunday. I need an extra set of eyes on me, just in case I decide to walk down the ice cream aisle.
-H
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Small victory!
I am proud of myself!
I just got a very unsettling email that really upset me. Out of habit, I immediately walked over to the pantry to grab some junk food to eat to make myself feel better. But I caught myself, put the cookies back without eating any, and feel so good right now.
-H
I just got a very unsettling email that really upset me. Out of habit, I immediately walked over to the pantry to grab some junk food to eat to make myself feel better. But I caught myself, put the cookies back without eating any, and feel so good right now.
-H
Monday, January 25, 2010
Support
I just want to thank everyone for their unconditional support. I've received a number of very encouraging emails and I am just so grateful.
It is so SO hard for me to be open and honest about this. It's a real struggle. So thank you for being warm and kind.
Speaking of supportive emails, someone forwarded me some information about a local therapist that specializes in individual and group therapy for compulsive overeaters. I'm going to do a bit of research on him and take the information to my own therapist on Saturday and see what she says.
The more support, the better. And as someone said yesterday in OA, every minute that I'm receiving support is a minute that I'm not overeating.
One day at a time!
-H
It is so SO hard for me to be open and honest about this. It's a real struggle. So thank you for being warm and kind.
Speaking of supportive emails, someone forwarded me some information about a local therapist that specializes in individual and group therapy for compulsive overeaters. I'm going to do a bit of research on him and take the information to my own therapist on Saturday and see what she says.
The more support, the better. And as someone said yesterday in OA, every minute that I'm receiving support is a minute that I'm not overeating.
One day at a time!
-H
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Another positive step...
So I made it to my first OA meeting today. I was pleased to see a happy mix of young and old, overweight, underweight, and everything in between. The social worker in me was a bit displeased that every single person in the room was white, but that's reality. I'm not sure if it was the location of the meeting, the time of the meeting, or the entire world of OA that made it very very white. But, in any case, I was welcomed with open arms and that was comforting. They say that if I continue to go to meetings, I will eventually have my own sponsor and can create my own "food plan." Not a diet. A food plan. A lot of people's food plans include abstaining from sugar and flour. Or some people's food plans include just eating 3 meals a day and nothing in between.
It was very validating to be in a room full of people (probably around 20 or 30) that really understand what I'm going through. Validating that they understand that emotions can sometimes dictate when, what, and how much food I eat. Or don't eat, for that matter. So, yeah, regardless if I have surgery, join Weight Watchers, diet, exercise, or a combination of all of the above, OA is definitely a tool that I will need to utilize for as long as I can. While the lap-band itself will help dictate how much I'm able to eat (a couple of ounces a few times a day), I will still have to battle with cravings and emotional reactions to food. So even if I'm not physically able to overeat, the desire will still be there. The emotional baggage surrounding when and what I eat will still be there. The desire to eat away my sorrows will still be there. Hopefully using OA in combination with my own personal therapist, will help me gain control over my life again.
I have to be honest that writing this blog is extremely difficult for me. And I every time I click "publish post," I alternate between feeling extremely proud and accomplished, and feeling regretful. I don't like being this exposed and vulnerable. I don't feel like I have control anymore over who sees this and knows "the truth" about what I'm struggling with. (I tried to rewrite that sentence 4 times so that it would be grammatically correct and can't for the life of me figure it out. My apologies). Honestly I want to stop talking about it. I feel like I am walking around with a big flashing arrow pointing to me that says "fat fat fat! Can't control her eating! Wants to lose weight!" I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I've mostly received positive feedback about this blog and the journey itself, I still feel very conflicted. So thank you for being patient and understanding.
I have to express another concern of mine. I'm worried that from now on, when I go out to eat with anyone that knows this story, or am around anyone that's aware of this story, that they're going to judge me. And they're going to scrutinize every morsel of food that I ingest. I feel like I can't mention food or hunger or anything. And I HATE feeling this way. It's not anything anyone has done or said to me since coming out with this blog, but my own problem. I am going to have to learn to deal with it. I'm either going to have to accept the fact that people are going to be secretly (or not so secretly) judging me and say "fuck it!" Or I'm going to have to stop imagining something that's not there. So, again, thank you for being patient and understanding. This is extremely scary for me....being so open and honest and vulnerable.
Unrelated, I made another positive step forward tonight by purchasing a new Weight Watchers cookbook and buying Weight Loss Surgery For Dummies. It's been an interesting read so far. I'm mostly interested in what it has to say about the procedure itself and how to prepare physically and mentally for it...but there are also some very practical tools and suggestions in it as well, that may come in handy later down the road, if I actually decide to have surgery.
On tap for the next day or so: researching loan/loan terms and life insurance policies.
-H
It was very validating to be in a room full of people (probably around 20 or 30) that really understand what I'm going through. Validating that they understand that emotions can sometimes dictate when, what, and how much food I eat. Or don't eat, for that matter. So, yeah, regardless if I have surgery, join Weight Watchers, diet, exercise, or a combination of all of the above, OA is definitely a tool that I will need to utilize for as long as I can. While the lap-band itself will help dictate how much I'm able to eat (a couple of ounces a few times a day), I will still have to battle with cravings and emotional reactions to food. So even if I'm not physically able to overeat, the desire will still be there. The emotional baggage surrounding when and what I eat will still be there. The desire to eat away my sorrows will still be there. Hopefully using OA in combination with my own personal therapist, will help me gain control over my life again.
I have to be honest that writing this blog is extremely difficult for me. And I every time I click "publish post," I alternate between feeling extremely proud and accomplished, and feeling regretful. I don't like being this exposed and vulnerable. I don't feel like I have control anymore over who sees this and knows "the truth" about what I'm struggling with. (I tried to rewrite that sentence 4 times so that it would be grammatically correct and can't for the life of me figure it out. My apologies). Honestly I want to stop talking about it. I feel like I am walking around with a big flashing arrow pointing to me that says "fat fat fat! Can't control her eating! Wants to lose weight!" I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I've mostly received positive feedback about this blog and the journey itself, I still feel very conflicted. So thank you for being patient and understanding.
I have to express another concern of mine. I'm worried that from now on, when I go out to eat with anyone that knows this story, or am around anyone that's aware of this story, that they're going to judge me. And they're going to scrutinize every morsel of food that I ingest. I feel like I can't mention food or hunger or anything. And I HATE feeling this way. It's not anything anyone has done or said to me since coming out with this blog, but my own problem. I am going to have to learn to deal with it. I'm either going to have to accept the fact that people are going to be secretly (or not so secretly) judging me and say "fuck it!" Or I'm going to have to stop imagining something that's not there. So, again, thank you for being patient and understanding. This is extremely scary for me....being so open and honest and vulnerable.
Unrelated, I made another positive step forward tonight by purchasing a new Weight Watchers cookbook and buying Weight Loss Surgery For Dummies. It's been an interesting read so far. I'm mostly interested in what it has to say about the procedure itself and how to prepare physically and mentally for it...but there are also some very practical tools and suggestions in it as well, that may come in handy later down the road, if I actually decide to have surgery.
On tap for the next day or so: researching loan/loan terms and life insurance policies.
-H
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Second chance...
When I started this blog, I intended it to be about me. I quickly strayed from that original intent and ended up hurting a lot of people that I love.
So I'm going to give this another go. I had decided to end it completely, but I think I can do better this time. I'm only human and am prone to making mistakes. But I also learn from them...so here we go. Again.
Tonight I bought a scale, which is always a scary endeavor. I can't remember the last time I physically owned a scale...probably early college or late high school. The number the flashed wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Granted, I HAVE to pare that shit down...but still. I also bought a food scale. I'm not sure quite how to incorporate that into my daily life. I'm afraid that it will just sit idle on my counter (actually, my cat is fascinated by it, so I'm sure she'll get some use out of it, even if I don't). IF I have surgery, I will most definitely need to incorporate into life, since the banding procedure only allows a few ounces of food in the stomach at a time.
I contacted one of my friends from high school that had gastric bypass a few years ago to ask her how she geared up for the procedure. I know that I have a lot of lifestyle changing to do both pre- and post-surgery, so I wanted to see how she had prepared. She basically said that she just started attending a support group and that was pretty much it. I'd like to talk to some of the patients that have already received the Lap-Band at the MyNewSelf center and get their perspective. I think I will contact the nurse this week and see if she can put me in touch with any of them.
I also read some information online tonight about another reputable practice that does the banding procedure. They have free informational sessions, so I might try to hit up one of theirs, in addition to another one at Dr. M's practice. I just want to hear the pitch again, 6 months later, to see if it still hits the same chord it did last time.
Tomorrow starts my journey with Overeater's Anonymous. Hopefully. This is assuming that people actually attend the meetings and what not. I hope it works out. I think I could really benefit from having that support in my life.
I'll keep ya'll posted.
-H
So I'm going to give this another go. I had decided to end it completely, but I think I can do better this time. I'm only human and am prone to making mistakes. But I also learn from them...so here we go. Again.
Tonight I bought a scale, which is always a scary endeavor. I can't remember the last time I physically owned a scale...probably early college or late high school. The number the flashed wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. Granted, I HAVE to pare that shit down...but still. I also bought a food scale. I'm not sure quite how to incorporate that into my daily life. I'm afraid that it will just sit idle on my counter (actually, my cat is fascinated by it, so I'm sure she'll get some use out of it, even if I don't). IF I have surgery, I will most definitely need to incorporate into life, since the banding procedure only allows a few ounces of food in the stomach at a time.
I contacted one of my friends from high school that had gastric bypass a few years ago to ask her how she geared up for the procedure. I know that I have a lot of lifestyle changing to do both pre- and post-surgery, so I wanted to see how she had prepared. She basically said that she just started attending a support group and that was pretty much it. I'd like to talk to some of the patients that have already received the Lap-Band at the MyNewSelf center and get their perspective. I think I will contact the nurse this week and see if she can put me in touch with any of them.
I also read some information online tonight about another reputable practice that does the banding procedure. They have free informational sessions, so I might try to hit up one of theirs, in addition to another one at Dr. M's practice. I just want to hear the pitch again, 6 months later, to see if it still hits the same chord it did last time.
Tomorrow starts my journey with Overeater's Anonymous. Hopefully. This is assuming that people actually attend the meetings and what not. I hope it works out. I think I could really benefit from having that support in my life.
I'll keep ya'll posted.
-H
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I'm sorry...
Apparently I'm a huge tool.
This whole blog idea was stupid.
I'm feeling really defensive right now.
I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure. I know that it is not a means to an end. I know that IF I decide to have surgery, it is going to be an uphill, lifelong battle. Most days I feel that I am strong enough to handle that. Today, I don't feel strong enough at all. Today I feel like I just want to throw in the towel and say - SO WHAT? So what if I die in 5 years? 10 years? Who am I to think that I am something special? To think that I might have something to offer this world? Isn't obesity and other disease just an evolutionary means to control the population? What if I'm cheating fate? Cheating because I was DESTINED to be a fat fuck and die at age 30? If I lose weight and live until I'm 80, that's cheating the system. And I don't deserve that.
Look, I'll be honest. I want to have surgery. But I also want to change my whole lifestyle - the way I approach food, the way I think and relate to food, the way I eat food. I want to change all of it. Diet and exercise, while won't change the cognitive part of my weight problem, will change the behavioral part. I'm not discounting diet, exercise, and taking this seriously.
But I know that I need a STRINGENT combination of all of the above, including surgery, to make the change I want. I know it's going to be hard work. I know that I am LIGHT YEARS away from being ready. So I apologize. Honestly, this blog picks up in the middle of a thought. I started it on a whim, a year into my battle. Really, what you missed was a lot of suicidal ideation, a lot of depression, and a lot of self destructive behavior. Well, flash forward to a year later, and I'm feeling better emotionally. I'm finally starting to feel strong enough to tackle my physical health. So if it appears that I am rushing into making a decision or that I'm discounting other options and possibilities, than I apologize. Because it is not the case.
-H
This whole blog idea was stupid.
I'm feeling really defensive right now.
I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure. I know that it is not a means to an end. I know that IF I decide to have surgery, it is going to be an uphill, lifelong battle. Most days I feel that I am strong enough to handle that. Today, I don't feel strong enough at all. Today I feel like I just want to throw in the towel and say - SO WHAT? So what if I die in 5 years? 10 years? Who am I to think that I am something special? To think that I might have something to offer this world? Isn't obesity and other disease just an evolutionary means to control the population? What if I'm cheating fate? Cheating because I was DESTINED to be a fat fuck and die at age 30? If I lose weight and live until I'm 80, that's cheating the system. And I don't deserve that.
Look, I'll be honest. I want to have surgery. But I also want to change my whole lifestyle - the way I approach food, the way I think and relate to food, the way I eat food. I want to change all of it. Diet and exercise, while won't change the cognitive part of my weight problem, will change the behavioral part. I'm not discounting diet, exercise, and taking this seriously.
But I know that I need a STRINGENT combination of all of the above, including surgery, to make the change I want. I know it's going to be hard work. I know that I am LIGHT YEARS away from being ready. So I apologize. Honestly, this blog picks up in the middle of a thought. I started it on a whim, a year into my battle. Really, what you missed was a lot of suicidal ideation, a lot of depression, and a lot of self destructive behavior. Well, flash forward to a year later, and I'm feeling better emotionally. I'm finally starting to feel strong enough to tackle my physical health. So if it appears that I am rushing into making a decision or that I'm discounting other options and possibilities, than I apologize. Because it is not the case.
-H
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