Sorry!

Oops, I temporarily fell off the face of the planet.

I'm back!

Here's what's shakin'.

I'm meeting regularly with the nutritionist at school, which is good. She is actually quite helpful and has me on a reasonable food plan. I must be succeeding with it because I've lost 17 lbs so far. I'm eating tons of fruits and vegetables and am working on portion control. I was really hungry for the first week or so. Food consumed my EVERY thought, which scared the crap out of me. I couldn't wait until my next meal. But now I'm doin' just fine. It's all good. I'm abstaining from all of the crap that used to plague my life...the cookies and brownies and chips and crap. And "they're" right. Once you stop eating all of that, you just don't crave it anymore. That happened when I cut soda out of my life when I was 17...so I'm not surprised. Again, it's all good.

Life is hectic right now, but everything seems to be falling into place at the same time. Graduation is not far off...and I'm now employed! As a social worker! Part-time starting Monday (eeek!) and then full-time starting after graduation. So yay me! This is just wonderful because I already feel less destitute. But it means that weight loss surgery may have to wait about a year. Or possibly 6 months. I'm not giving up hope, though. I'm going to continue with my food plan, continue working on shit in therapy, and continue to do my research. With my new job's health insurance...who knows...maybe the surgery will be covered. All in due time.

A gym has opened up down the street that costs $20 a month. Totally in my budget. I've thought about it and I absolutely do not want to work out at the JCC. Too many people I know. Too many opportunities for me to (eventually) run into my clients or my clients' families. No thanks. I'd rather join the podunk little gym down the street. The classes are free!

So, yeah, I'm just truckin. Once things settle down (right now I have 3 jobs, 4 classes, and an internship), I'm going to focus on the exercising. I just want to go to my little job every day, come home to my little apartment, go to my little gym, play with my little cat, and live a simple existence. Not too much to ask for, I don't think.

Here's the catch: I've continued with the OA...but I'm starting to think that I'm quite possibly not an overeater. I do stress eat. And eat my emotions. But I don't think I fit the classic profile of an OA member. I mean, I've been hearing stories of people eating food out of the trash and sitting on the floor of the kitchen with the entire contents of their fridge spread out all around them. That's not me. I don't have the cookies and other crap around the house anymore...and I'm too fucking lazy to go out and buy them...so that means I'm not bingeing. I also think the fact that those crazy, out of control emotions are just not there anymore. Or, they're still there, but I'm learning how to handle them appropriately, thanks to my therapist. So, yeah.

I'm feeling really positive right now. I'm just gonna keep on trucking.

Oh, and I flew Delta the other day and the seatbelt fit around me. Praise allah.

Peace and love,

H

Some reading and writing

So I'm back on track with my sponsor...
And she's been on me about reading and writing and doing some reflecting.
So since I've done just that, I thought I'd share...

Step 1 of OA says that we admit we are powerless over food and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Well, I find this troubling because in social work, we're taught to see things from a strengths perspective.

So, what does it mean exactly to be powerless?
Can we be powerless and empowered at the same time?
I may be powerless over my eating, but I have to power to do something about it...
...I have the power to reach out for help
...I have the power to pick up the phone and call my sponsor
...I have the power to talk to a friend
...I have the power to attend meetings
...I have the power to read, write, and reflect
...I have the power to do service

I AM powerless over food.
My eating is out of control.
Food clouds my (almost) every thought.
But...
I feel empowered to do smething about it.

-H

caught in the middle.

The past few days have been pretty rough. I'm realizing that I'm not strong enough to do this on my own...but I also feel like my support system is rather thin these days. My family (immediate and extended) has been truly wonderful...but I need more.

Let's start with Thursday.

I made the rash decision to reach out to an old friend. For whatever reason, I thought that if anyone could love me and support me and believe in me unconditionally, it would be her. I guess I was wrong. It seems that too much time has passed and too many hurt feelings remain. It took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call her and perhaps I wasn't prepared enough, because the conversation was a disaster. The sound I'm making right now is akin to a bomb falling and crashing into the ground. Not sure how I would type that sound exactly, but that's certainly what happened. Seems I caught her at a bad time, she couldn't (or didn't want to talk) and she promised to call me on Friday. Well, it's Sunday and I'm still waiting. I feel foolish for believing in her...and even more foolish for believing that anyone at all would give a flying fuck about me and my "eating disorder." Shudder.

The rest of the weekend was not any better. I haven't been able to make contact with my sponsor since Thursday. It has been an awkward week with her. She obviously doesn't like me and I don't like her. So it's just...painful. Part of the reason for our lack of communication is that my schedule was seriously screwed up this weekend having my folks in town and my sister's engagement party yesterday...and part because I forgot to call her. And today I wasn't able to make it to the OA meeting...so I just feel a bit out of control and helpless.

The party last night was wonderful...but I had a hard time controlling my eating. The food was delicious and right in front of me. So I ate it. Once I had about 3-4 glasses of wine in me, it was all over. I could no longer control my eating. Because that's what you do when you drink...you snack on crap. I know that the logical answer would be....abstain from drinking and then you won't be tempted to eat while intoxicated. But I DON'T have a problem with alcohol...my problem is with eating. So I don't know what to do about that. I need to get back on track with my sponsor by calling her tonight. I need to try to find another OA meeting to go to this week. I need to find a sponsor that doesn't hate me and that I don't hate just as much, if not more.

The good news is that my dad and stepmom are being very supportive right now. They've offered to help me figure some things out, including additional therapy. So the psychologist that a friend recommended to me that specializes in both group therapy and individual sessions for compulsive overeaters may actually be an option. I don't want to have to leave my current therapist...or transition out slowly. She's the only constant I seem to have in my life right now and I'm not strong enough to abandon that altogether. They've also offered to help me procure some workout items. I've hinted strongly that I want a Wii Fit. I think they're thinking more along the lines of a 10 speed bicycle or some free weights or something...but we'll see.

My dad even told me today that he's proud of me. That by itself makes all of this worth it...

-H

well...

I met with Dr. O at health services yesterday. The short version is that she is completely sympathetic to my situation, supportive of the surgery, and wants to put me in touch with her friend Lisa that had the Lap-Band and is just doing "fantastically." But she says that Aetna absolutely won't cover the procedure, whether it's medically necessary or not. She's going to put me in touch with the Aetna rep for the school, just so that I can verify this. But as far as Dr. O's concerned, there is no appeal process, etc. It's just not covered. She thinks it may be possible for it to be "run" through the insurance anyway, which could knock off a couple thousand dollars. She'll keep me updated. Additionally, Dr. O says that sometimes there are surgeons who perform the surgery at the medical school as research and sometimes they're looking for "subjects." Dr. O is going to email into her network about this and see what can be done. In the meantime, I'm just supposed to wait and hear from her. So I guess not all is lost. Still a bit demoralizing, though.

In other news, I called my reluctant temporary sponsor yesterday at our designated time and ::shock:: she didn't pick up. Yeah, I'm not surprised. As if her reluctance to be my sponsor wasn't bad enough - she actually had the gall to blow me off! I feel rejected and deflected and generally crappy about it. I'm so horrible/unwanted/unloveable that even my pathetic OA sponsor wants nothing to do with me. I really AM a loser! Hahahahaha. Maniacal laughter. Hahahaha.

-H

Super Quick Update

I'm still alive and kickin'.
Felt the need to reassure you all that I haven't fallen off the face of the planet - I'm just a grad student, with 2 jobs, an internship, and getting ready to graduate.

However, here's what's new:

1. Finally was able to make an appointment with the nutritionist on Feb. 23rd. That was the earliest they could get me in.

2. I had an appointment schedule with a doc at health services for last Friday, but the doctor had to cancel, so it's rescheduled for tomorrow. We'll see what she says about my "weight-related health concerns."

3. I have a temporary sponsor at OA. I went back for my 3rd meeting today. Afterwards, I stood there while I watched everyone talking and laughing and I panicked and started crying. How to find a sponsor? How to approach ANYONE and talk? HOW? Too anxious, too scary, too much. Too overwhelmed. But fortunately someone took pity on me and is now my temporary sponsor. We talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, and she encouraged me to buy one of the books OA has for sale about the 12 steps and 12 traditions. I'm calling her tomorrow for to take the first step. She won't be my permanent sponsor...something about lesbian sponsors allowed to have female sponsees. I completely understand....but seriously? What? Does she think she's going to fall in love with ME? Psh.

4. That's all, folks.

Update time

Here are my thoughts at the moment:

1. I went to my second OA meeting today. I think I'm ready for a sponsor, but don't really know how to proceed. Someone at the meeting suggested that I approach anyone that I felt I had a "connection" with. How the hell am I supposed to have a connection with someone that I don't even know. I don't even remember everyone's names. So that's tricky. My therapist suggested that I attend at least 2 (if not more) meetings a week, until I get into the groove of things. I'm going to start attending a Thursday night meeting too. Perhaps I will find someone there that I have a connection to. We'll see.

2. So my therapist seems pretty on board with all of this and is being supportive. She doesn't have an expertise with eating disorders, though, which sucks. She's going to do some consulting, though, with someone that does and see if she can somehow supplement what I'm getting through OA. If not, I may have to slowly transition out (but not for good) of her care...which makes me quite quite sad, displeased, anxious, and upset. Bah. Only time will tell. I do need help, but I'm hoping that she can do the trick. If not, I know of some groups out there that may help...so I may be able to stay with her for individual, but attend some more focused group sessions.

3. Sometimes I feel like this whole "recovery" thing is a full time job. But so is class, practicum, teaching, job searching...oh and actually living my real life.

4. I tried to schedule an appointment last week with the nutritionist on campus. I've seen her once, so am technically not a "new" client. But it's also been over 8 months since my one appointment...so I really think I need to be a "new" client, and not a "returning" client. I called Health Services and they seemed to agree and offered to schedule an appointment for me on the phone. I said, no don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if I should schedule a "new" client appointment or a "returning" client appointment, and that I could take care of it online myself. But, of course, since I TECHNICALLY am a returning client, even though it was 1 appointment 8 months ago, the online system wouldn't LET me schedule a new client appointment. So frustrating....so tomorrow I need to get back on the phone with Health Services and get this all sorted out. I need to see her, since she specializing in nutrition for eating disorders. Surprise, folks. I have an eating disorder. I need help. I'm really really really at a loss. See #5.

5. I tried my hand at conscious grocery shopping today. I tend to be one extreme or the other: either I'm a horrible, very unhealthy eater, or I am way way way too cautious...almost to the extreme of not eating a single thing because I'm too confused, nervous, etc. Well I bet you can guess which extreme I'm feeling right now. My sister-in-law suggested that I try to be more middle-of-the-road....but I just don't think I can handle that. Middle of the road being....100 calorie packs of cookies and things, as opposed to either full calorie or no cookies at all. I know better, though. Whether it's 100 calories or 700 calories, if I have a box of cookies in front of me, I'm likely to eat the whole damn box. It's frustrating because I don't know which way to move. Grocery shopping is a nightmare for me. Recipes and what not are a nightmare for me. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO EAT. Gah. So...I'm hoping I get in with the nutritionist sooner rather than later. Until then, I really feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark.

6. I've rescheduled a doctor's appointment at health services this Friday. I'm going to see if I can get Dr. O on board with this whole process and see if I can get her physician support for appealing to the insurance company about a "medically necessary" weight loss procedure. If it doesn't work that way, all is not loss. I do have other options, including a very kind and generous loan co-signer, should it come down to that.

7. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to research surgeons in the area. As my generous aforementioned co-signer suggested, finding the right surgeon is KEY. Especially if I'm going to have a lifelong, continued relationship with this person. It's not like when I had my gallbladder out and saw the doctor a total of 3 times. I didn't need to build a rapport with him. I just needed him to cut me open and let me carry on with life. This surgery will be different. So I'm going to work much more proactively about finding the right-fit surgeon. On a related note, I am also going to find out about these surgeon's finance options, again, should it come down to it.

8. This. is. so. frustrating.

9. I am SO SO SO ready to change my life, but sometimes feel at a loss as to where/how to begin.

More later.

-H

Back in full swing

Since going to OA last week, I've tried to be a little more cognizant of why I'm eating at any given moment. As they say in OA, you should HALT. Are you eating because you're Hungry? Or are you eating because you're Angry, Lonely, or Tired? It's an interesting concept...so I've tried to implore it a bit. I think that was how I was able to put the animal crackers down the other day, after reading an upsetting email. I wasn't H. I was A, L, or T. Some people put a S on the end, to include sad/scared. I'm trying to remember to always HALT(S).

In taking this concept a little bit further, I'm trying to think about my triggers. I know they say to keep a food diary to look for patterns, but I have a pretty good sense that I really struggle with the late-night snacking. 10:30 or 11, especially on the weekends, is like prime "over-indulgence" time for me. So I've made a deal with myself to NEVER eat after 9pm. It is a LOT harder than I thought. Last night, I got home around 10pm. Even though I ate a small dinner around 7:30, my body was like "duuuude, you're starving!" But another thing someone mentioned at OA last week...is that no one EVER starves to death in between meals. So even if my body was telling me that I was "hungry" (even though I really probably wasn't), I should know that there is no possible way that I'm going to starve...so to just suck it up and wait until the morning. I was successful this time! But, boy, it's hard!

That's all for now. I'm going buddy grocery shopping on Sunday. I need an extra set of eyes on me, just in case I decide to walk down the ice cream aisle.

-H